


Powerless

by bondageluvr (haganenoheichou)



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: HTGAWM - Freeform, M/M, Romance, coliver - Freeform, colivergiftexchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 19:31:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5714470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haganenoheichou/pseuds/bondageluvr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor was far from a fatalist. Or a determinist, really. He did believe in free will; in fate being correspondent to a set of choices that human beings made on a daily basis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Powerless

**Author's Note:**

> My gift for @lp98 for the [Coliver Gift Exchange](http://colivergiftexchange.tumblr.com/post/137230914674/powerless)

Being in love with someone was decidedly weird. Not in a twist-your-head-three-hundred-and-sixty-degrees-and-crawl-up-the-stairs kind of way; it was much scarier than that. That was one thing Connor Walsh decided for himself the moment he realized that he had, indeed, managed to violate one of the very few rules he used to govern his life and fallen in love with the most unlikely candidate in the world – that being the unassuming, slightly dorky – okay, perhaps _very_ dorky – Oliver Hampton.

Oliver was absolutely everything that Connor wasn’t – besides gay, perhaps. That was the one characteristic that they shared – and that was seemingly enough to make them compatible for a one-night stand that somehow turned into two nights, then three, then a whole string of chaotic events with Oliver being involved in Connor’s own messes, moving in together, the HIV thing… All of this somehow fell into place simply because the universe had decided to push one gay man and another gay man together. For no good reason.

Connor was far from a fatalist. Or a determinist, really. He did believe in free will; in fate being correspondent to a set of choices that human beings made on a daily basis. He liked to think that he had control over his life – at least, he had tried to think that, up until the point when he found himself driving with  Sam Keating’s body in his car. Yeah, that was one of those moments of no control. Perhaps _the_ first, if he lied to himself hard enough.

In reality, though, he knew, way deep down inside, that this wasn’t the case. The first real moment of loss of control that he experienced, the harrowing feeling of not knowing what to do because all the triggers and pulleys were out of his hands, that moment came when Oliver had gotten his hands on that damn recording – the one in which the dead suicidal secretary dude had praised Connor’s bedroom (well, copy room) skills. That was the first moment in which Connor truly felt powerless. But as it went with things that generally scared Connor Walsh, that moment was shoved deep into the denial folder and sent on its merry way to the recycle bin.

Except those moments kept on coming.

Oliver’s fucking boyfriend, or whoever that guy was, that was another one of those moments. Perhaps a tad too soon after the first. Perhaps too much after too little time together. Whatever the trigger had been, Connor found himself standing on yet another precipice, not enough of a coward to take a step back but not brave enough to jump into the abyss and accept the fact that falling was inevitable.

Lying to Oliver was another powerless moment. What was Connor supposed to say? _I killed a guy, and I also might be in love with you so… You know, don’t leave me or call the police, please?_ Sure, that would go over well with straight-laced, good boy Oliver. So he lied, spouting bullshit about drugs, and crying – at least that was genuine – at Oliver’s door.

Surprisingly enough, things went more or less smoothly after that. Well, as smoothly as they could when one discovers that their boyfriend (first _serious_ boyfriend after a plethora of one-night stands) was HIV-positive. That was… Well, powerless and scary but somehow, it ended up being the least screwed up thing that Connor was facing at that period in time. Which said a lot about what his work was like – a constant stream of casual encounters with lying clients, prying DA’s and possibly homicidal coworkers. Well, definitely homicidal. Connor had seen the proof with his very own eyes.

The most powerless moment, however, was when Oliver strode into the living room of Connor’s employer’s house and greeted Frank like the two of them were frat chums. Anger, jealousy, some weird, twisted form of affection and protectiveness, and a feral _something_ that told Connor to grab his boyfriend and run for both their lives before it was too late… Suffice to say, Connor had never even considered himself capable of feeling such a diverse range of emotions at the same time. Whether he was supposed to give himself kudos for having turned out to be an actual human being or hide in fear underneath Annalise’s squishy couch, he didn’t know. So he did the next best thing and played the protective boyfriend part, much to Oliver’s embarrassment and Frank’s amusement.

Thinking that Oliver had been kidnapped… That was a big one. Empty, hollow anguish; panic; the kind of panic that just wiped one’s mind clean and left it absolutely, totally void – like an eggshell, fragile and substance-less.

The powerless happiness of realizing that Oliver was okay.

Connor lost count of these moments by now. All he knew was that perhaps it wasn’t too bad to be powerless sometimes.

He glanced down at Oliver’s sleeping face and smiled in spite of himself – powerless against his own facial muscles that acted of their own volition whenever his gaze fell onto his lover. His hands were itching to reach out and stroke the familiar face, but this time he managed to suppress the urge, with some difficulty. Oliver needed his sleep.

Perhaps Connor was powerless in the face of the future. Perhaps there were certain aspects of it that he would never be able to change. Perhaps… Perhaps everything about his life had been written in advance and recorded in some sorts of timeline or storyboard. Perhaps his entire life had been decided, preordained, and then copied down into a book, like the ones Ancient Egyptians used to have – whatever, Connor flunked out of world history for a reason.

Perhaps there had been a fortune teller who had predicted what he would do and whom he would fall in love with. Perhaps someone had made him fall for Oliver.

Perhaps he lived in the Matrix.

If so…

He was okay with not knowing the truth. And even if he did know, he would not change a thing. 


End file.
